Why I Believe Heartbreak Is A Necessary Part Of Love

I remember the first time I got my heart broken. I’d made it all the way to fifth grade, and on the school bus home I got dumped. From a little note on lined paper folded up into a triangle. Over the years it happened one or two more times, and although the drama and emotion and pain (and who said tears?) surrounding such occasions eventually subsided, it obviously resonates enough to have left an impression. And I’ll tell you something else: I remember just as much the hurt I’ve caused, because I’ve learned from that too. It stings in a different way. I broke up with some young ladies for some extra dumb reasons in my day, and even before my daughter was born last year, I used to reminisce over the times I mistreated a couple girlfriends and wish I could smack my former self a couple good times. Now that I’m raising and caring for a little girl - forget about it. Her first boyfriend can meet me at my funeral (joking).

But here’s why I believe that one of the most necessary parts of love is winding up with a shattered and tattered heart. It’s because in my mind, the greatest pain can only result from exposure to the greatest affection. Can you truly appreciate the joy found in light if you don’t know the sorrow of darkness? Why would God, our father, allow us to feel such anguish, whether in the case of my elementary school sweetheart or in the case of much more significant circumstances? My conclusions are: a broken and vulnerable heart works most effectively to make room for the Lord, and that through even these terribly hurtful circumstances, God is able to receive glory.

Lucky for us, a proverbial broken heart can be mended. It’s the one ailment that doesn’t require a trip to Urgent Care, accompanied by a copay and then prescription medication. Rather, it is in these moments that prayer becomes most tangibly applicable, and when God welcomes us with open arms to receive healing. As Psalm 34:18 encourages, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” When we are at our lowest, that gives God the best vantage point to swoop down with comfort.

That vulnerability, which is on its finest display when directed towards God, can carry over to our earthly relationships as well. I’ll be real (and I imagine I’m not alone here): even my wife and I, who this year, Lord willing, will celebrate seven years of marriage plus six more of dating have broken each other's hearts before. That’s right, the pain doesn’t stop when you tie the knot. Just like a middle school crush or high school prom date can hurt you bad, imagine the challenge you face when your true true love does it to you, often unintentionally. But once again, there is our savior Jesus, who waits for our wound to open so He can pour in, bringing the restoration we require and rebuilding our hearts (and in this case, a relationship/marriage) to even greater strength. Remember, a broken heart is almost always preceded by a special and emotional bond which has been built over time. So if it happens to you, you can first thank God for the ability to feel such great emotion, and then step two would be to pray for His guidance to get you through the pain.  

We’ve all likely wondered at one point why the achy breaky-ness of our heart has to accompany its greatly contrasting euphoric state of love. It might not make you feel better in the moment, but it’s the same lens with which we’re hopefully living out every aspect of our lives: so God can be glorified in the most maximum of ways.

Consider Lazarus, who was loved greatly by Jesus during his time on earth, but was also allowed to become sick and die so that God would be glorified through his eventual restoration. Before Lazarus’s eventual death in John 11, the idea of using heartbreak to bring glory is laid out by Jesus in Verse 4. Later in the chapter Jesus then speaks to his disciples, telling them ‘“Lazarus has died, and for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe.”’ - John 11:14-15. This gladness felt by Jesus in the time of mourning could only be felt because He knew not just how the story would end, but also the inevitable necessity of occasional heartbreak. And just because we know that, big picture-speaking, our place in heaven is secure, it doesn’t make our immediate circumstances any easier to deal with. Yet I still think that’s alright, because even in His all-knowing and all-seeing ways, once Verse 35 comes around we see two of the most powerful words in the story: “Jesus wept.” Why or how could you feel ashamed of your broken heart when even the King of Kings wasn’t afraid to publicly acknowledge such emotion. Theologian Adam Clarke put it this way: “Jesus had humanity in its perfection, and humanity unadulterated is generous and sympathetic.” 

We can try to protect ourselves from it as much as possible, but the likelihood of our heart being broken throughout the course of our lives is about as likely as the sun rising each morning and your phone getting spam calls at least three times throughout the day. But this time of vulnerability, this capacity to connect to and even relate with Jesus Christ should not be considered a pothole to be avoided, but rather an obstacle to be embraced and subsequently overcome.

Truthfully, I stand behind this stuff. I’d tell it to anyone who’s been in a relationship that gets rocky and maybe does or doesn’t work out. And I’ll even tell it to my daughter when the time comes and her precious, perfect little heart is hurt for the first time, right before I politely request that she give me the young man’s address. Because I’m still human.