Trusting God Is A Choice; Not A Feeling
Wednesday, October 9th, 2019
- 3:34 PM
I’m sitting at work, minding my business and God is getting on my last nerve. He’s revealing in me something that I am not willing to admit. God really has the audacity to pull me aside, spiritually, and say, “Aiyanna, you do not trust Me.” Excuse Me? What do you mean, I don’t trust You? How dare you say that to me. Now, I’m feeling some type of way and I’m all the way messed up. I’m ready to fight but in this very moment, I can’t. I can’t hash this nonsense out with Him. I don’t trust You? That’s absurd. So, instead, I put this off for a later time. When I get home, and finally get to settling in for the night, God doesn't let me go to sleep without saying to me, once again, “You do not trust Me”. So, let me go and do what any person would do in my position. Let me pull out my phone and ask Siri to look up the definition of the word trust. Webster’s dictionary lists several different definitions. One definition says that trust is, “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” Another definition says, “one in which confidence is placed.” Finally, a third definition (and my personal favorite) says, trust is “dependence on something future or contingent: HOPE.” You see, God, according to Webster’s dictionary, I do trust you, ergo, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Now to go to sleep and leave me alone.
Thursday, October 10th
- 11:45 AM
I’ve woken up ready to go and once again, God has reminded me of my lack of trust in Him. Seriously God? Day two? But this time, it’s different. I have the time to sit and chew on this. I have the mindset to break this down and really get to the heart of it. There are no distractions, no convenient work projects that need to be done. It’s just me and God pulling on my heart strings, calling me away. It’s just me and the gentle breeze blowing outside my window. As I sit here and think about this, I am reminding myself of all the times, I’ve seen God pull through for me. The times where He revealed Himself at 11:59. The overflow of monies I needed to go to school out of state. The open doors for jobs I never thought I was good enough for. The favor for apartments when I needed to move. I have all these memories, so, how could I not trust Him?
Yes. How can you not trust Me?
I’m sitting here, recalling all these God ordained moments and it hits me. I have conditioned myself to think and believe that God did all those things because I was angry with Him. Every single time. There was no peace in the waiting. No “no matter what, God.” There was only yelling and anger. There were only fists being thrown in the air and cuss words flying around. But that’s not trust; that’s a tantrum. He answered me in His graciousness because He’s God and He can do (or not do) what He wants, but He does not move based on my attitude. He moves based on my posture. It hurts me to know that all these years of calling myself a believer, I’ve confused trusting in Him and trusting Him. I want to be very careful as I say this, but as I am right now in this moment, I think that God is trying to show me that there is a difference between the two. Trusting in God is a one-time acknowledgement that says, “I believe that You are who You say You are”, but trusting God, is an everyday choice; it’s a lifestyle. Am I confident that God hears me when I say His name? Do I rely on His truth? Do I have dependence on Him? Sadly, no, no and no.
The ironic thing is that I have trust in things like the moon and the sun. The sun doesn’t always shine in the morning, but I am confident that it’s still there. The moon doesn’t always reveal its light at night, but still, I am confident that it’s there. And why? Is it because I know that without the sun, there’d be no daylight and no warmth during the coldest days of winter? Is it because I know that without the moon, the tides would go haywire and that there would be no coolness to combat the heat in summer? God doesn’t always give me what I want (even though I think that He should) but He’s there in the silence. God doesn’t always reveal Himself the way I believe He should, yet, He’s still there and I should have confidence in that. But I don’t.
The beautiful thing behind all this, is that He loves me enough to show me where I am. I don’t like it and it’s forcing me to ask the question, “What now?”, but I think that’s where He wants me. Exposed and asking. Humbled and seeking. I have a long list of reasons why I don’t trust people and I could sit here and blame my lack of trusting God on the premise of me not trusting people. I mean, the people who you think would never do you wrong, do and they’re the ones you can see and touch. Imagine placing your trust in someone you can’t see. But the truth is, God is not like people. The harsher truth is that I’m starting to recognize that my lack of trust affects the way that I love Him and that’s a whole other can of worms. To trust God means I have to give up control. To completely trust God means, I have to stop figuring things out without Him. To trust God means to genuinely say, “even if You don’t, You are still good” (Daniel 3:17-18 CSB).
“So, you believe because you’ve seen with your own eyes. Even better blessings are in store for those who believe without seeing.”