To Know Him Is To Love Him
“You will never be loved by anyone”...
… “No one will ever love you”
I was seven years old when these words were spoken to me. Almost every day for five years, these words haunted me, etching their way deep into my heart like roots do for a tree. These words were spoken by someone who cared about me. Someone who said that they had my best interest at heart. Someone who was my flesh and blood, my family. Who was I to argue or disagree? The one person that knew me the most, the one person that knew me better than anyone, was the one saying all these things and if they’re saying it, it must be true... right?
My whole life, I’ve kept people at a distance. When people say, “I love you”, it’s hard for me to say it back. Do they really love me or is it just a phrase that’s cute to say? I’m in my late 20’s and I haven’t the slightest clue on what love really means nor what it actually looks like. I have a mental picture that love means “A” and it looks like “B”, but maybe my vision is unrealistic. ‘A’ means that to love me, I don’t want you to walk away. To love me means to have patience and to understand my heart above anything else. ‘B’ means that to love me, I need you to push me and to match my ambition with yours. I need a safe place where I can be myself without fear - all of me not just some of me.
My last relationship lasted all of three months and the breakup hurt me to my core. More than I thought it would. My boyfriend (at the time) was a good man. He was patient and loving and the sweetest guy I have ever met on this earth. If I asked him to join me for a walk around the block, he’d pick me up in his car, drive to a beach, extend his hand and we’d walk across the sand. He didn’t have to do much to make me smile. His ambition was inspiring and because he and I were in the same career field, he drove me to be better. He taught me to never settle for no and to stop being afraid of failing. If there ever was a guy that I dreamed of, it was him.
When we broke up, I wasn’t hurt by the reasons why we needed to call it off. I was hurt by the soft voice that whispered, “you see? No one will ever love you.” I blamed myself for not being enough and I wondered for months if I ever will be; sometimes, I still wonder. I have to be honest here and say that I’m trying really hard to hold back tears as I write this, but I’m failing - I know that this is not true, but I have a hard time believing that. After looking deep within myself, I’ve learned that I entertain relationships that have an expiration date because I don’t think I’m worthy of having a meaningful one. Deep down, I keep people at arm's-length because it’ll be easier for me to grieve when they finally walk away. When they do, I find myself feeding the lie. I’ve subconsciously walked a cycle that always leads back to that. My lack of closeness goes for everyone. Family, friends, boyfriends. Even God. I know it’s irrational to think that God could ever walk away from me, but can God really love me. If no one else does, what makes Him so different? To go against the grain and love someone, so unlovable.
I’ve come to realize in these last few months, my perception of love affects the way that I love God. The way that I love God affects the way that I trust Him which, in turn, affects the way that I give and receive love from people. Love and trust go hand in hand. I cannot love what I do not trust and what I do not trust, I’m simply not open to. Not even in the slightest. At the start of writing this, I longed for a simpler understanding of what love meant, so I took to Webster’s dictionary. I didn’t find what I was looking for. I, then, searched for the definition of the word affection, and again, I found nothing. Of all the definitions that were given, none could give me a clear-cut visual on what either really meant. Maybe it’s because God is the only definition that there is. Maybe love is a concept that I may never be able to fully wrap my mind around. Maybe, the reason why I cannot put love into words is because I do not know God as well as I think I do. 1 John 4:8 (NCV) says, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” In other words, it’s hard to really love something (or someone) that you do not know.
I pray that one day, a miracle that I’ll witness, is coming to truly know a love that I can see. Behind it all, all I really have to do is look at a man whose life clung to a tree. But on the fore-front, all I have are memories that are engraved in dust. One day, I’ll be able to look back at this and smile because I will have found a love that surpasses what I was looking for. A love that has my name written all over it.
“Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death… A huge torrent cannot extinguish love; rivers cannot sweep it away.”