Seasonal Depression, An Everlasting God

I had just gotten back from vacation when it hit me. I was in Mexico sun-bathing underneath the bright blue sky. My skin copper-red like a penny. My belly full from the chilaquiles and margaritas. The nights were quiet but the ocean whispered through the cracks of my balcony door and though I have never been, it all just felt like heaven. However, this version of heaven had an expiration date and when I landed in NYC I was greeted by ice cold winds. My lips shivered and my knees knocked back and forth. Thanks to daylight savings, the night was eager to snatch the sun out of the sky and that is when it hit me. The depression came like someone took a bag of ice and poured it over me. It just hit me out of the blue and into a blue abyss is where I went.

This is not new to me. Depression knows this body very well. It has lived within my bones since I was five years old. I remember the aches and pains I would carry in my belly, the constant crying and the fear of interacting with people. As I grew, depression grew with me as if it were the calcium in my bones. Except it wasn’t making me stronger. I was deteriorating from the inside out, and once I hit my adolescent years my depression was beginning to sound like the whispers of the enemy. “You aren’t worthy,” “You don’t belong,” “Your life is meaningless.” And I swallowed every single lie and savored it in my mouth because it tasted so much like the truth.

 I would always tell myself that I should know better. That what I described as truth did not align with God’s truth. God says that I am, “fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14),” depression tells me that I am not. God says that, “I was made in his image, (Genesis 1:27)” depression tells me I was not. And as always, I am at war with myself, tip-toeing around landmines because if I make the wrong step I could potentially destroy myself with a simple thought. If I am not stuck in my mind, I feel stuck in my body. Paralyzed, unable to move, with a desire to stand still. To linger a little longer in bed, nestle into my couch more, sleep more, eat less, avoid more. To pretend I forgot about that event. Cry at work, cry before I go to sleep, cry while I’m cooking breakfast. Shrink myself, become invisible, stay quiet, mute all phone calls, keep the blinds closed. Pray to God one day, act like He doesn’t exist the next. Smile in church. Pretend I care to be there. Force myself to be there. Cry on my way home. This is the war I wake up to every morning. This is what it’s like for me to depressed.

Now if there is one thing that I know about seasonal depression, is that it is exactly what it says it is: seasonal. And when I think about God, and all that he has done and is capable of doing, I am reminded that I serve an everlasting God who is with me through every season, every storm, every mountain that I climb and every valley that I wander through.

I used to be ashamed to praise God with the same lips that I used to curse myself. I used to be ashamed to lift my hands in the sanctuary when I knew these hands were once used to cut away at my wrists. I used to be ashamed to sing songs that spoke of how great my love was for Jesus when sometimes in my heart I didn’t love him at all. I used to be ashamed to admit that the Bible wasn’t enough, and that I needed both Jesus and therapy.

Depression impacts 264 million people globally and is one of the leading causes of disability worldwide. Data tells me that I am not alone in my struggle. What this data also tells me is that God is not taken aback when he notices it’s one of those days when it’s hard for me to get out bed, or want to read my bible, or attend church, be in community or get a good night’s rest. I am not the odd-ball. I am one of 264 million souls that God holds in his hands daily. He is with me. He is with you. He is with all of us. And it is comforting to know that His word says, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8).”

I am grateful that God designed us all so intricately that he knew not only what we would need but who we would need during our darkest times. God designed each of us with spiritual gifts and some of us harness empathy, altruism and compassion greater than others and were designed to fulfill roles such as psychiatrists and therapists. He also created the sun and the moon, the oceans, trees and nature — things that aren’t man-made, but God-given to help us combat mental illnesses like depression holistically. God was looking out for us from day one when he placed the sun in the sky, but also when he fashioned man into his image. 

In case you are experiencing the shame I once felt, or you too find yourself tip-toeing around others, hoping that you don’t crack open and expose all that aches inside of you, know that God sees you. Whether your struggle is depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder or trauma, it’s okay to need help while loving Jesus. It’s okay to be who you are authentically inside and outside of the church. I am sorry if the church hasn’t done a good job at holding space for you, but know that God has room for you, and he has equipped this world with an abundance of resources to guide you through your struggles. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)”.

Our struggles may be seasonal, but remember that we serve an everlasting God.