A Letter to the Single Woman: Nothing Missing, Nothing Broken
I really hate events that are catered to single women at some churches. You know, those events called stuff like “Women in Waiting,” “How to Prepare for Your Boaz,” “Purity for the Single Woman.” Or when they try too hard to attract the millennials and name the event something like “It Ain’t Trickin If You Got It.” Okay, maybe that was a reach, but y’all know what I’m talking about. Quite frankly, all of it annoys me. Why? Because it all seems a bit propaganda-ish to me. I know this might sound harsh, but hear me out.
It seems as though some conferences have promised us that if we live a life of purity and save ourselves for marriage that we are guaranteed a husband in the end, but that is not what the Bible teaches us. I was at a women’s conference a couple weeks ago and the room was filled with beautiful, intelligent, successful, Black women of all ages who were single and waiting. Some were in their early twenties, while others were almost forty or beyond trying to hold on to their fading hopes of getting married and having children one day.
You could hear the joy in some voices as they told the story of their future life with a God-fearing husband and a house full of kids. Some shared stories of regret or how a toxic past relationship left scars on their heart or how they have their dream career, but would be so much happier once their Boaz comes along to complete their picture-perfect life. Some were questioning whether or not they have been called to a life of singleness, while others tried to be happy for their newly saved friend that just got married to an amazing man of God. The newly saved chick shares her story to a room full of singles (some that have been saving themselves forever, while she seemingly saved herself for five minutes) on the formula to getting a man. The nerve of her to try to tell these women how to get a man! Homegirl we ain’t new to this, you are! I know I must sound like a hater, but everyone was thinking it! Clearly, the Lord is still working on me.
Don’t get me wrong, these conferences are needed and very beneficial. There is strength in numbers and it is helpful to surround yourself with people who are going through the same thing as you for support and encouragement. I get it! I just wish the messaging would change. I have no desire to sit around and sulk about my singleness or how my ultimate goal in life is to get a man to see my value and hopefully see me as his Proverbs 31 woman. Being amongst all of these gorgeous, diversely talented and God-fearing women made me feel a bit sad. Sad that our value has been reduced to being chosen to be someone’s wife. Sad there aren’t as many men of God looking for wives as there are women of God desiring to be married. Sad that some of these women may never get married. Sad that many of them have bought into the lie that a man will complete them, rather than God. Or that God can’t use them in their single season. Paul speaks directly to this in 1 Corinthians 7:7 “But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. But I say to those who aren’t married and to widows, it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am.”
While the woman to man ratio in the church is jarringly disproportionate, I firmly believe that I will be married one day and have beautiful children. I look forward to that day, but I have recently learned the dangers of idolizing the idea of marriage. The dangers of being obedient to God primarily because you believe it will result in a husband one day. I think it’s so important that we preach that you are not incomplete if you are single. You are not defected, you are not less than, it’s not because you haven’t prayed or fasted enough, and God can still do amazing things through you as a single woman- and arguably can use you even more now than when you are married and have to divide your attention between God, a husband, and children. I know the toughest part about being single can be feeling lonely, but rest assured there are plenty of married couples that feel just as alone as you may feel. I know it’s hard to resist sexual sin as a single, but be reminded of 1 Corinthians 6:12-17. I know it can be hard to cast down negative thoughts regarding our biological clock, but God’s timing is perfect and he knows the desires of our heart. He has not forgotten about us (Philippians 4:19, Psalm 94:18-19, Matthew 6:25-26)!
I urge you not to spend your precious single years wishing you were in a different season. Do not become so consumed coveting what the couple on Instagram has that you overlook the blessings and opportunities you have right now. Use this season to fall in love with Jesus, save money, pay off your debt, serve at church, travel with your friends, go on dates, and have fun! You have no husband or children to think about right now. Stop blowing off the guy who is not exactly “your type,” but still may be worth getting to know. You can teach him how to dress, sis! Don’t confuse “settling” with being unreasonable. Take yourself out on dates, take care of yourself, read books to prepare you for marriage and books to encourage you during your singleness. Pray, fast, read the Bible, workout. The choice is yours!
Above all, trust God! I am preaching to myself as I write these words. A woman that has learned to love herself and be content with where God has her is a woman that is ready for marriage (if she desires it) (Philippians 4:12). Our singleness is just a season and there is a time and place for everything. We have to trust that God’s timing is perfect. You are enough because He is more than enough!
“Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.”