The Waiting Game: Thankful for God's Patience
We’ve seemingly reached the end of our COVID quarantine. Eight months later and we have somewhat gotten back to living our “normal” lives. Here in NY, we’ve reached Phase 4, which means that most of us have gone back to work. We have either thrown our money away on fashionable masks or secretly stolen a few from our medical offices. We have changed our diet plans; for better or for worse. Some of us have finished that book that was collecting dust or cleaned out that closet that became a new home for spider webs. No matter what we did (or didn't do), each of us has learned a few things about ourselves. I know I did.
Here are a list of things I learned during this pandemic:
I’m good at video games. Mainly, RPGs.
I’m a fast reader when it comes to subtitles - thank you anime(s).
I know almost every word to every line in FRIENDS and New Girl.
And...
...I am not as close to God as I thought I was.
During this pandemic, I’ve found myself speaking to, or reading, or spending time with God almost next to never. I only opened my Bible app whenever I had a hard time sleeping because my anxiety kept me up for hours and, you know, “the fastest way to fall asleep is to read the Bible”. I rarely tuned in to YouTube to watch or listen to the sermon that was being preached that Sunday and I wasn’t listening out for His voice.
I wrote a couple of things here and there and I know that God was a part of it but, deep down, I know that I have somehow tricked my mind into thinking that if God can take my pen and write for me then that must mean that He’s still close to me. Right?
“You’re never really stagnant with God. You’re either moving toward Him or away from Him.”
I haven’t been convicted about anything in weeks. I’m not sure if it’s because I haven’t been doing anything or if God has just handed me over to my own will. I’ve found myself cussing once or twice (or thrice) with some friends during get togethers. I’ve traded spending time with my boyfriend and focused my attention on anything other than God. Sometimes, I do wonder, has God abandoned me?
No. He couldn’t have. I mean, take this-this very moment. I’m sitting here on my bed writing this, so, clearly I’m aware of my spiritual condition. If I was so “lost” or running spiritually rampant, I wouldn’t be able to recognize where I am, now would I? Would I? I’m sitting here, tossing this thought around in my mind like salad leaves in a bowl and I’m starting to feel a knot in the pit of my center. You know the one. That knot that makes you feel super nervous. You would think that with all the time I have on my hands, I’d be intentional about my alone time with God but no. You see, it was easy to blame it on school schedules and work schedules and tiredness but now? I, literally, have no excuse. I was held up, behind closed doors for months and not once did I ever, genuinely, seek His face. Instead, I’ve treated the word of God like a teaspoon of NyQuil.
Right now, as it stands, I have a closer relationship with my Netflix account than I do with God. My PlayStation has seen my hands more than the pages of my bible and my R&B/Hip Hop tracks on Apple Music have touched my ear drums more than the voice of God. Every day is a new day to make it right and every day, I get it wrong. I trade it in for something else. Will I ever learn? I feel like Peter when he said, “For I do not do the good that I want to do, but I practice the evil that I do not want to do” (Romans 7:19 CSB). Am I the only one?
I was on a call with a friend a couple of weeks ago and she expressed to me that she, too, was finding it hard to keep a routine with God. Hearing her say those words gave me such a big relief. I felt like a college student who had just learned that no one else in the class did the assignment. It felt good to know that I, indeed, was not alone. The good news is that I know that God is still waiting for me, arms open and ears ready. As ironic as it sounds, it feels good to know that I will never get it right. But He’s waiting for me anyway. He calls out to me and whispers to my heart, “Hey, don’t forget me. I’m still here for you.” He takes the time to paint the sky for me so that I know that while I may be “too busy” to notice Him, He’s not too busy to reach out to me. I haven’t done a lot of things for Him this quarantine, but I’m thankful that He is gracious enough to wait for me, anyway.
“The Lord waits for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God…”