A Love With No Conditions

I’ve heard it said that “confession is good for the soul”, but I'd like to add that it can be bad for the reputation. At the expense of tarnishing my character, I’ll confess that I’ve had a skewed view of love for most of my life. What I once believed about love was influenced by the world and culture that surrounded me, and in retrospect I now see that my understanding of love was just an emotion, that at its core was really just selfishness. I was taught (unintentionally) by those closest to me that love was only to be given conditionally to how its recipient made you feel. What many were calling love I now see as a selfish attempt to be esteemed by others, and I now understand that selfish/conditional love really is not love at all, but rather an attempt to control people and be admired.

Conditional love makes everyone around you have to perform at an unrealistic pace; one slight misstep and they have the potential to be thrown away like a sliver of soap that we think we’ve gotten full use of. Conditional love causes people around us to lack authenticity because their less-than-flattering actions can run the risk of leading to them getting discarded and cut off.

I can often tell a person that was raised in a household where love was dependent on behavior – children receiving conditional love typically grow up to be perfectionist adults. They usually spend their lives trying to win the approval and love of others. Teachers, friends, co-workers, boyfriends/girlfriends, and bosses will see a person who just wants to be praised and accepted, otherwise known as a people-pleaser.

So, what caused a redefining of the word “love” for me? I wish I could point to a specific date or a singular moment, but the truth is that it was a hodgepodge of areas that caused me to open my eyes to unconditional love. These have included a multitude of life teachers with the most prominent being marriage, having kids and meeting Jesus.

It wasn't until marriage that I began to understand that if I was going to use the word “love”, I needed a deconstruction of its meaning. Being in a legally-binding, spiritual covenant with my wife taught me that I will need to love and accept both the good and the bad. As amazing as my wife is, she – like the rest of us – has her flaws (although she probably wouldn't admit it). Marriage means I am making a decision to love this person despite their growth areas.

God wanted to show the prophet Hosea what His unconditional love looked like, so he told him to marry a prostitute name Gomer. In obedience, Hosea follows through on what God told him to do. Putting myself in Hosea’s place, I’d like to think I would have questioned God but ultimately would have been just as obedient as the prophet. Shoot, I can marry her but I don’t have to love her — would have been my thought process. However, the catch behind God’s command was that God specifically told Hosea he had to love Gomer. As is written in Hosea 3:1 - “Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress”. It’s almost as though God is screaming to us that our idea of love is selfishly warped – if it’s not unconditional then it isn’t real love.

 I wish marriage was the moment I understood unconditional love, but the Lord knew I needed more teaching, and so He subsequently blessed me with two amazing boys. However, just as my amazing wife isn’t immune to making mistakes, neither are my children. At times I feel so aggravated with my kids that I’d like nothing more than to kick them out, yet this is when I think back to what I’ve learned a long time ago: that my love for them can not be predicated on their behavior. They’ve taught me the very meaning of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – “ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

The ultimate life teacher of the meaning of unconditional love is Jesus. Jesus shows us that the true meaning of love is less about words and more about demonstration and sacrifice. Jesus has a way of loving the unlovable, and loving people that would never be able to return the same kind of love. In fact, he loves and even prays for his enemies. To me, that's the very definition of a love that seems to run in contradiction with how it’s defined by the world. To be honest, I’m not sure I have reached that type of love – a love that preservers through hurt, hardship and difficulties.  

Although Jesus is the ultimate teacher, I am at times a poor student that often miss the lesson on real love. I understand it from a cerebral viewpoint but oftentimes I am slow in application. I will probably spend the rest of my life continuing to grow in this unconditional love that I’ve received from Jesus, and although this purest understanding of love may be as hard to attain as sanctification itself, I will continue working. My desire will remain to continue to strive towards giving love that is patient and endures all, a love that extends grace instead of judgment, a love that seeks to esteem others and not merely myself, and a love that looks a lot more like Jesus – not what culture has defined as love.