For The Single Girls Who Love God And Love Sex

I’m an adult and hearing the word sex in church still makes me cringe like I am five-years-old on the inside. I often sit with myself about this. Wondering, why does the mention of this topic make me feel so tense? My muscles tighten and I want to cover myself and hide.

I believe that church is supposed to feel like a safe space to talk about sin, because we’re all sinners aren’t we? Every being that occupies a chair within the sanctuary has gone through something, right? Had to fight something. Overcome something. Been addicted to something. But despite this knowledge, I can’t help but to feel that my sin is too weighty for the ears of church folk, and when it comes to sex it’s just a topic that I have a hard time addressing and here’s why.

I don’t know how to talk about the confusion. The tug between my desires and my will to follow God’s. I don’t know how to tell people that I am not interested in waiting until I’m married to have sex. And I also don’t want their advice or guidance on the issue. I’ve listened to all the sermons, read all the scriptures, and attended enough bible studies to know better. This emotion doesn’t come from a lack of not knowing. And believe it or not, it surely doesn’t come from a lack of self-esteem or a feeling of emptiness that most people assume single Christian women must feel when they are sexually aware and active.

I am also ashamed. That’s the hard truth to admit. And it’s why I am always looking for a way out whenever the word “sex” is even mentioned. The shame is twofold. It cracks me in half and I am always battling myself. One part of me has concocted this ridiculous idea that I am not Christian enough — the belief that I am less lovable and acceptable in the eyes of God because I do not desire His will for certain parts of my life. The other half of my shame is being a Christian woman who is sexually confident and is wondering how to navigate that space outside of marriage when I know that I am supposed to be waiting.

There was a time in my life when I knew what it felt like to want to use my body as a vessel for the Lord’s will. I was willing to wait. But within my season of celibacy I realized that it’s easy to abstain when you don’t have options. There is no meal to feast on if you’re sitting around an empty table. And I didn’t know how hungry I was until desire came to me in the presence of a man who knew exactly what to do with my body. It made me realize that my journey through celibacy was never really about pleasing God, it was about healing myself from my brokenness and when I found liberation I held its hand, but also allowed it to crawl in between my legs. Now, here I am, trying to start over, but not wanting to. Not feeling the urge, the push, or even the feeling of conviction to motivate me to fall to my knees and seek repentance.

So what do I ask the Lord for if I am not asking for forgiveness? 

This makes me think of the book of Ezekiel in the bible, a young prophet who was used as a messenger from God to speak to the people of Jerusalem who rebelled against Him. Their hearts were like mine, hardened, their spirits, unyielding. They endured consequences for their actions, but despite their treachery, deceit and self-absorbing behaviors, God believed they were still worthy of renewal and restoration. Not only that, but He shows us that we are never in too deep because He is capable enough to reach us no matter how far we’ve strayed off. In Ezekiel 36:26 NLT He says, “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.”

If there is one thing I admire about my relationship with God is that He gets me without me even having to bring my mess to His feet because He reminds me through His word that I am not the only one who has ever struggled with something in life. Sometimes reading the word and hearing the stories of the people within these ancient times can feel so far removed because these events happened so long ago. However, sin is sin, and the time in which it took place does not make it more tolerable. And it also does not make God less powerful. What He did then He can do today. And the book of Ezekiel allows me to see that God knows what troubles us, but this verse also shows me that all God wants from us is our truth and our vulnerabilities.

This isn’t a post about how to deal with sexual frustration. I’m not going to tell you to block his number sis, or go for a run when your body is yearning for pleasure. Not that those methods won’t work, but if you are anything like me, you already have a curated list of all the tools to help you on this journey — you just don’t care to use them. And His word reminds me that true renewal starts with changing our stony and stubborn hearts.

So when I pray, I don’t ask for forgiveness from a sin that I am not ashamed of committing. I mean, He’s God, He’ll know I’m lying before the words can even form. Instead, I ask God to break my heart the way I break His when I am cold toward my transgressions. I ask Him to remove the scales from my eyes so that I can see what is staining my spirit. I ask Him to walk with me. To talk to me. To breathe His will so deep inside of me that I will taste His desires and my palate will be pleased. I tell Him my secrets. And I also share with Him my fears.

I don’t believe we serve a God who can’t handle the topic of sex when He was the one who created it. He knows all about it believe it or not and I don’t think He cringes or turns into a five-year-old on the inside when we lay our struggles with it at His feet.

So if this is your battle, I hope that the next time you’re in church, the word “sex” will not make your stomach flip and your chest tighten. Instead, you will feel free to bring whatever struggles you have to the feet of the One we serve. That you’ll know that it’s okay to talk about it, to ask about it, to desire it, to have questions about it and be confused about it. There is a God who is listening; so tell him what’s on your heart.