Eyes Wide Open
“So she named the Lord who spoke to her: “You are El-roi,” for she said, “In this place, have I actually seen the one who sees me?””
There are a lot of women in the Bible that I find to be strong and passionate, inspirational and breathtaking. I don’t know about you, but I always remember the women who are known for the “big things”. The Esther’s who risked their lives to save their people. The Ruth’s who left everything behind to live in a land that wasn’t their own. I never pay much attention to the women who have done the little, yet, still powerful things. The nameless woman at the well who led her hometown to Christ “based off the word of her testimony”, or the young woman who saved Israel by claiming the life of an enemy king using nothing but a tent peg, or even the woman who washed the feet of a man who would later die for her with her tears.
As I write this, I want to honor a woman who, if you’re anything like me, is often forgotten. Her name is Hagar. Hagar was a woman who had been torn apart through and through. A slave to Sarai; who was lied to, tricked and then treated with dishonor. It’s a heart-breaking story, really. Abraham and his wife Sarai were promised a child by God, but Sarai grew impatient. She decided to “help” God move things along and offered Hagar to Abraham thinking that was how she’d get what was promised to her. Hagar becomes pregnant with child, but Sarai grew angry and jealous. So much so, she caused Hagar to run away from home to nowhere, alone and cold. The Bible isn’t clear as to how long Hagar wandered looking for a place to stay, before God found her. Instead, it says, “the angel of the Lord told her to go back home” (Genesis 16:9). The Bible doesn’t mention the turmoil she must’ve had. The shame she must’ve felt wondering why Abraham didn’t defend her. The anger she must’ve carried wanting to smoke Sarai every chance she could. She was the innocent one in all of this and, yet, there she was carrying her crying son in her arms not knowing if they would make it to see tomorrow.
But God saw her...
2018 was a really, tough year for me. I left a job that I felt God was calling me out of, to go back to a church where I wasn’t sure I belonged. I was dealing with pain I was carrying from a friendship that ended badly. I was going to school full time and money was extremely tight. I hung on to hope that God would honor my obedience but as the months went on, it became harder and harder to stand by my faith. My mustard seed was turning into dust. No matter where I turned, there was always something. It rained every day in my life, and it didn’t just rain, it poured. The end of the year came, and I pretty much gave up believing that God was for me. A relationship ended, I almost dropped out of school and I was afraid of losing my home. I started to wonder if God had abandoned me and turned His back to me.
But God saw me...
There were moments where I heard God call out to me, moments where I felt Him reaching for me, but those moments were far and in-between. One night, I read the story of Hagar and to be honest, reading her story made me more upset. Hagar should have never been placed in that position in the first place. She was just minding her business and if it was me, I’d be plotting on how Sarai could catch these hands. The only comfort I found was God coming to meet her where she was, but even in that, that comfort really wasn’t much of a comfort. I remember asking God why He let her get hurt the way she did and sometimes, I still ask. But there’s something so beautiful that lies hidden beneath it all. I never noticed it until now as I write this. Hagar gave God a name. In the past, I’ve always read God saying, “this is who I AM..” but this was different. Hagar called God “El Roi”, which means, “You are the God who sees me”.
That name gives me hope. That name says to me, “you’re broken but I see you”. It says, “your finances are dwindled but I see you.” It says, “you may not have a reason to laugh or smile right now, BUT I SEE YOU.” It’s a new year which means a new level of beautiful brokenness to embrace but this time, I’ll carry the name of El Roi in my heart. I’m sure Hagar didn’t know then that her giving her God a name would impact a young woman thousands of years later in a land known as New York City.
But God sees...