Coming Out of The Dark: My Journey to God

I started off with no connection to God.

Well, at least I didn’t think he was there. From the age of 15 until just a few months ago, I had at least 1 death in my family every year; sometimes 3. Every year, I was watching the households of my family members suffer because a loved one was no longer here. And for some time, I was PISSED. I was sick of dealing with death, sick of having to find clothes for another funeral, sick of acting like life would just go on, because how do you keep living life when all you’ve been seeing is death? I was so livid with the world, but who I was most upset with was God.

I shunned Him, blamed Him, questioned why would He ever take so much life from my family? And honestly, I told Him I hated Him. I’ve had to wake up to my grandma trying to control her sobbing, so she wouldn’t disturb me. She was broken from having to bury her son. I had to watch my mother break down for the first time ever because she had to help write an obituary for her nephew. I had to hold a cousin in one arm, another cousin in the other arm, because they couldn’t hold themselves up. Their father was in front of them in a casket. I couldn’t believe He was doing this to my loved ones. How could I EVER love God, when he obviously didn’t love me?

I spent years placing God in the dark.

My soul was destroyed. I didn’t know how to take on any more pain and if I tried to, I felt my sanity slipping. I kept so much in for so long, disregarded my feelings so I could help others mend theirs. I grew numb. I sincerely became cold-hearted. And eventually, I became very good at acting. “Not caring” became a norm. And when I say, “not caring”, I don’t mean that I just shrugged to my problems and ignored them, I actually took the problems head on, but handled them in a very negative way.

I beat myself down, thought very little of myself and for a while I became stuck and soon felt comfortable with being stuck. When I noticed this funk I was in, I thought I had the power to bring myself out of it. I tried everything—even down to the posts I have on my site about loving myself and blah blah blah. I was talking A LOT and telling other people the tactics I think they should take—but I wasn’t even practicing these things for myself. Yes, I did stick to them for a little, but there was a key component I was forgetting: forgiving God.

Spending so many years away from Him, it took me a while to realize that the anger that I was holding on my heart wasn’t a physical one, but a spiritual one. I learned that I needed to forgive the people and the situations that brought me pain, but I didn’t realize that a lot of my anger was rooted in my disconnect from God.

I began learning that God would be the solution to my pain.

When finally discovering this key element within myself, I genuinely witnessed my life changing. Things I have been trying to solve, for years, were immediately answered by God. Whenever I was unsure or unknowing, I didn’t worry about it and left it in God’s hands; and of course, he handled it.

Now, my journey to God had only begun on January 7th, 2018, but my oh my, has it been a journey. I’ve learned so much about myself and about the tar that has been bringing my heart into darkness. It sincerely shocks me. Like, I dead cannot believe it took me so long to see that God was trying to reach out to me! Keeping him blocked for so long made me make some really dumb decisions; decisions in which, had I not been so stubborn to God, I would have avoided a lot of nonsense. But, it’s never too late to get aligned with God.

Never put God in the dark.

God is a loving spirit and I had to learn that the stealing, killing and destroying occurring throughout the world was not a lack of God, but the presence of the devil [John 10:10]. The devil is here to keep us separated from the Lord and to have us forget that anything that involves darkness and pain is not God’s work.

For years, I thought it was God that was harming me, and this mistake is what got the devil’s grip on my life stronger. As I blamed God more and more, my darkness grew bigger and bigger. The devil nearly had me right where he wanted me, but luckily God has never given up on me!

When I entered 2018, I told myself that I would do something different. I knew there was so much healing I wanted to do, so much I wanted to contribute to the world. In order to do so, I would need a power much mightier than I could ever be- GOD. With my journey to God, I have witnessed things in my life and have been given answers I never thought I would receive, and it’s barely March! I have a lot of work to do for my Lord and I thank Him for the blessings that He’s given me throughout my whole life and beyond.

If you ever find yourself stuck like I was, have a talk with the man upstairs.