On Being Held by God
I graduated from college back in May and it was extremely emotional for me. I spent my last semester grieving the loss of friendships that I had built, relationships with faculty, and having to say goodbye to a campus I had grown to love so much.
The journey getting to graduation was rough and it was harder than I expected. When you start college, almost everyone you speak to, says the same thing: “It’s an amazing experience”, and it is. There’s something about being a college student that’s like no other. College forces you to grow up. It forces you to think and to see the world differently. College teaches you basic decision-making skills like, “should I eat this sandwich that costs $5 or should I eat this cup of Ramen noodles?” It teaches you the value and importance of a Starbucks cup, once, twice and maybe even eight times in the morning. College forces you to have (yet still ignore) those “No, you got food at home” adult conversations you have with yourself. Nonetheless, college is an experience like no other, but there are a few things I wish I had known.
I wish I had known that as a college student, I would be more susceptible to depression. I wish I had known that as a college student, there were going to be days that would be the most difficult days that I would ever face. I wish I had known that my money would disappear faster than ice melting in the sun. I wish I had known that there is no amount of preparation that could be done that could have prepared me for the emotional impact that I would eventually face.
I heard that students would find themselves crying through 15, 20 and 30-page papers, and I underestimated that. I mean, I understand, a 30-page dissertation is bound to come with some tears, but God, I wish I knew. Really knew. My last year as a student, I found myself crying through two, ten-page papers. That’s right, ten-page papers. Not 30; just ten. I almost dropped out of school, twice; once each semester of my last year. No matter how much I mentally and emotionally prepared myself, I was not ready. No matter how much I prepared myself financially, I couldn’t keep up. I found myself scraping pennies together to get to class and still missed three (and more) classes at a time because I couldn’t make it (how I was able to pass all my classes with A’s and B’s is only by the grace of God). The thought of not being able to pass my classes and therefore not being able to finish, hit me hard. Really hard. I found myself yelling at God almost every day. I would cry myself to sleep, asking myself “why” and “how”. I’d have constant “God moments” in the bathroom (that’s where God and I like to talk) to hide away and find some sort of comfort. Every time I sought after God, it seemed as though I couldn’t find Him. In honesty, because of His silence, I grew bitter and angry at God because He wasn’t moving the way I wanted Him to. It wasn’t until I graduated that He fully reached out to me and reminded me of a few things.
“...For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Allow me to take you on a little walk down memory lane. I got left back in the sixth grade because I stopped going to school. I was dealing with a lot at home and found myself at the point where I just didn’t care anymore. I may have had to repeat the sixth grade, but I was able to graduate high school on time. I was once an At-Risk teenager with so much emotional baggage that I didn’t expect to live to see my 16th birthday. I shouldn’t be here living and breathing as you read, but because God intervened, I’ve lived to see past it. There was a list of people who told me I couldn’t and that I would never, yet, I am a first-generation graduate of both high school and college. What the enemy can’t destroy in one place, he’ll attack in others. He couldn’t break my determination to end the cycle of giving in, so he attacked my finances which, in turn, affected my presence. He presented to me a list of reasons why I couldn’t finish, and, in all honesty, he was right. At the end of the day, I couldn’t finish school if I wasn’t there. He succeeded in reminding me of my failures. He succeeded in reminding me of my fears. He succeeded in making me forget that I had an Advocate that was fighting for me. He succeeded in keeping me down, whimpering in a corner... but only for a time.
On my graduation day, I looked my demons in the face and told them: “This is for you. For all the can’ts, all the nevers, this is for you. I walk for my family and my friends that believed in me and kept me going. For the little girl inside me that needed a reason to believe. This is for the God in me. The God whose hand has been on me from the moment I came out of my mother’s womb.
I write this for the person who believes the can’ts; the one that believes the lies. Whatever battle you face, whatever “can’t” that’s weighing you down; you can and you will. What the enemy meant for evil, God will turn it around for good (Genesis 50:20 CSB). I’m proof of that. I am proof of a God who fought for me when I was too afraid to stand up for myself. What the locusts have eaten and destroyed (Joel 2:25 CSB), God will give back and restore. Again, I am proof of that. God held me and carried me through so that I could be an example for someone else.
God, I thank You, for You really do keep Your promises.
“Behold, I am making all things new... Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”